Story Information
Title: Observations Among Thieves and Other Vermin, or The Unfortunate Misadventures of Lord Thadus
Genre: Fantasy Comedy
Note: This is (supposed to be) a funny story about this one spellcaster who visits a mortal city-state and it goes very different from expected. There’s a little more (unreliable) information on the story’s page.
Time to Read:
Thadus had never visited a mortal market previously.
He had only just entered the market district of the city-state of Rockforge, and yet he could already tell that this was not only an unreasonably cramped location, it was both cacophonous and rancid. There was no rhyme nor reason to which direction these bodies moved; the stream of mortals went up and down the main street erratically. If he attempted to make way for one, he bumped into another; if he attempted to take more than a step forward, he nearly would take one step back.
The spellcaster had to force himself through the crowd, like some rat squeezing through a gap in the wall. No one exhibited any regard for him.
As he neared the actual market, the current of the mortal flow was stronger and he found himself being shoved along, whether he had the purpose of moving or not.
The assault of the odours of the market increased in intensity the closer he was pushed, while the noise was nearly deafening. A stall at the side of the street had a nauseating smell of fish rotting in the sun, and by a cart, a man was hawking out his wares.
When he saw an alley, he pushed through the current and, although he nearly missed it, he managed to find a safe isle at the corner. He looked back at the main street flooded by moving bodies squeezed together in mild horror.
Thadus had never experienced a river of flesh previously.
Now he had. And he certainly could say it was beneath any proper living creature to willingly go through with such a thing regularly.
He huffed, adjusting his dark red coat. As he did, he took a moment to brush off some sort of powder of an unknown white substance from his sleeve. Perhaps it was just wheat flour for bread or regular ground bones for some strange, unthinkable use, but who knew what these mortals might grind up? It was better not to wear it, lest he attracted whatever pests lived on these filthy streets, rodents or otherwise.
He had heard of how uncivilised mortals often were, their life spans much too short to have a deeper understanding of the world. He had naturally known that these beings lived in smaller zones with vast areas of allegedly uninhabitable land between, but he had seen nothing uninhabitable with any of it. It needed a bit of fertility magic on the ground and perhaps some acclimatisation spells here and there, but that these mortals couldn’t even farm lands was really too much.
Mortals were a tragic bunch, really. If they only sought to learn, they would be better off. They could extend their life spans like civilised folks and not live crammed together like fruit slices fermenting in a jar.
Spellcasters, such as himself, were indeed superior, no matter how he saw it. They had clean, spacious streets that were, at all times, kept in order. Their streets did not smell of sewage, rot and sweat, but tended toward more floral notes. They weren’t noisy nor did they spread their unwashed stenches everywhere. And they lived longer. Not always, of course, but they could live for centuries, unlike the mortals.
He adjusted his coat and sleeves again, leaning against the stone wall.
Indeed, spellcasters were of high kin. They could go anywhere they liked. They could even make nature bow before them. They—
“THIEF!!”
The busyness of the street slowed as heads turned toward the market proper.
“Robber!!” the deep voice called out again over the din as the market gradually fell into silence.
“Purse snatcher!” came another, younger-sounding.
Like tides, mothers and older sisters picked up young children, hurrying off to the side. Others stretched their necks like cranes to see what was happening.
Thadus himself couldn’t stop himself from being another crane at the riverside, finding this far more interesting than getting pushed around by mortals.
A piglet squealed and next came a crashing sound.
“CATCH ‘IM!” several voices thundered at once.
Chicken clucked in fright, a woman shrieked, many cursed. These mortals had suddenly turned into dogs at a hunt.
A little too many dogs of a way too large size crammed into no space, but the air was filled with the anticipation of a hunt.
As Thadus watched, he could see people getting shoved aside. From the sea of heads, a figure suddenly appeared. The figure had jumped out of the crowed and grabbed onto a clothesline hanging over the mouth of the street. They used it to get past the crowd, who tried the grab onto the fabric tied around their waist like a sash. No one seemed to manage, and after the person had managed to get from the middle of the crowd, they swung themselves to a part of a wall that was behind a stand. The seller ducked while the figure in dark clothes scaled the wall and started to run along the ledge, which was barely four or five inches wide.
Some mortals tried to get out of the way while others attempted to grab onto the figure’s shoes and trouser hems. But whenever anyone was particularly close, the figure would show exceptional agility and evade it in an almost theatrical manner, as if dancing along the ledge. This infuriated the river and greater tides of mortals trying to capture the thief.
Amused by this, Thadus craved to see if he could be far more suited for the matter. It was a preposterous notion that he wouldn’t achieve what he willed.
The thief was trying to escape on the same side as Thadus was resting at and was indeed approaching the alley from the opposite direction. The mortal had its attention on where each foot was placed, and evaded the attempts of capture from others with blind efficiency. Even when some uncivilised mortal gripped a broom in frustration to swing from behind their target, it missed gallantly while the escapee continued toward Thadus at a steady pace.
The alleyway he had found his safe isle at was quiet without many moving creatures, especially now that most mortals had either hurried away or come to gawk or chase. It was, instead, littered with all sorts of items, high and low, from broken carts to clotheslines with sheets obscuring view.
Thadus paced over to the other side, commanding the cobblestones to shift a filthy cart out of the way for him with a modest wave of his hand. The cobblestones on one end rose, one by one, obediently pushing the obstacle away so the spellcaster needed not step around it. He walked past it and reached the wall on the facing side, sending a breeze through the alley to push the stench of rotting fish away. He could no longer endure the rancid olfactory offence.
As the thief approached, Thadus lazily raised his hand.
“Do not attempt to flee from me,” he told the figure dressed in dark.
This disrespectful individual didn’t bother to care. Instead, the mortal used their momentum as they ran to evade the gust directed at them by simply acting like some lowly performer, using their hands to not only flip past Thadus, but both holding onto the unmovable ledge beneath them as the wind rushed past, without pausing for even the blink of an eye, and keeping the movement parallel to the wall. This being — this lowly creature with nothing of value — didn’t even wobble.
Thadus huffed at such a disgraceful display. He slammed his hand against the wall and hissed, “Shift.”
The stones in the wall began to shudder, and the trembling spread in every direction, down into the cobblestones in the ground. The wind viciously began to pull at any fabric, be it sheets hanging above the head of this vermin or its dirty clothes.
The quivering stones began to shift in their places, causing the entire wall to wobble and shake. The vermin missed half a step, but rather than stop or even look at him, it turn half a quarter.
Thadus’ gaze shifted to the leather boots of this person. He closed his fist, dragging it upward against the hard stone, forcing the spirits of the earth to push the entire corner of the wall up.
The thief took a step back to steady themselves, forgetting they had no footing behind them, and helplessly lost their balance. They swung one arm to grab a sheet hanging on a clothesline, but a cruel natural gust took it away just as the thief was about to grab it.
Thadus froze.
The figure helplessly tried to grab hold of something, anything.
The spellcaster moved before he had the thought. He took two quick steps and reached out for the falling person.
He could have used magic.
Should have used magic.
But a moment later he felt the weight and warmth of a living body against his chest before he understood what was happening. He took a few steps back to steady himself so as not to fall on his backside.
The mortal in his arms had been tense at first but then relaxed, their back heavy against the spellcaster’s chest. After a moment, they raised their arm and tilted the head back, one hand pushing the hood back a little. They looked up at the spellcaster. One eye was a light brown with flecks of green, grey and bright copper, the other a mosaic of the same colours and a streak of sky blue in the upper corner. Both were filled with unrestrained surprise. The hood was covering fiery red hair, but some strands caught enough light for Thadus to see it at this downward angle.
The spellcaster gazed back at the mortal. Their face was clean despite the filthy garments, and they lacked the stench of the other mortals found in this market district. Either this thief was really successful, or…
“You’re the thief?” he asked.
The thief shook their head. “No, the real one stole my money and cried thief. So, would you mind to let me go now?”
“Why are you running if you’re not the actual thief?”
“Because I cannot have the guards find me. Besides, Sir Caster would not know this, but Rockforge truly detests thieves. It is considered a crime against the state,” the alleged not-thief claimed.
Thadus did not truly accept this sort of tall tale. Mortals were dubious at best, but even a mortal would be rather foolish to believe what this alleged not-thief told him.
“Why would I not bring you to the guards? I have no reason not to give you over.”
The alleged not-thief turned to look at the wall they had just fallen from. Thadus turned to it as well. The corner was standing on a spike of earth that had displaced cobblestones around the wall, while several stones had fallen out of it. There was a painful crack followed by a thud as another half a stone fell out. It bounced and rolled over to the two of them.
“Sir Caster, I think even you might end up in trouble after destroying property of the city…” the alleged not-thief said gently as they gently kicked the rock. “Not even spellcasters are above mortal laws.”
“…I can naturally reverse it,” Thadus responded in a huff and pushed the alleged not-thief away from him. “How could you possibly consider this not to be the case?”
The alleged not-thief nodded. “Ah, that is very true, Sir Caster. I had not thought of that. Go on, display for me this reversal process.”
With a huff, the spellcaster closed his eyes, and exhaled, tuning in to the spirits of the land. He felt for the flows of their powers and listened to their voices, before he commanded them to handle the damage for him. The wind sighed its agreement, the roots beneath the city groaned their acceptance, the stone tapped its acknowledgement.
Tapped?
No, stones don’t tap.
Thadus’ eyes flew open and where the alleged not-thief had been… was no one.
The filthy mortal vermin had run away!
– Humble One…
– No! You remain exactly where you are and you better not try anything rash. We have limited time.
– But Humble One…
– Do not test me right now. We’re in quite a hurry. Just keep an eye out for anyone who I need to remain unseen of.
– As you will, Humble One.
– Don’t sulk. Just stay in there. I won’t allow you to harm anyone.
– …
– No, not even yourself!
Author’s Note
This story is almost exclusively from Thadus’ perspective. You as a reader can agree or disagree with him, like or dislike him, but all you really receive is Thadus’ view on everything that happens.
What are the italicised sections? It’ll be revealed eventually.
I will post these sporadically. One part will usually be one scene, but might sometimes be more than that. My draft is just all of it written as a single continuous thing, and I write it without caring about chapter breaks, just scene pauses and breaks.
The Anny Blog 