I find us some snacks. I’m almost surprised they’re there.
I’ll have to tell her to buy more. Just in case Dex wants to come over again.
I let my housekeeper do all the shopping for me. She sometimes cooks too, if she got time. If I happen to be home while she’s here, I’ll help her with that. Even if helping is basically just chopping vegetables and stir in pots. Alphas don’t generally learn to cook. It’s not part of our curriculum. While betas and omegas have home economics, I think we had sports or went to the school gym or something. Or had an elective like economics, politics or business management.
There was no way an elite private school like the one I and Seth went to would make alphas study anything betas or omegas learn to support alphas.
So I rely on my housekeeper.
And Amandine. She’s the only person I meet regularly, because she’s the only one who comes to my place.
She has her own alpha, so it’s less awkward for her, I suppose. I already broke free from the Olivier pack, so it’s weird to have too much contact, and the break wasn’t a pretty one either.
I’m sure my sister still gets a sum of allowance from Dad. I don’t. I just have my trust fund to rely on, since the pay for nurses is pretty low. Which is fine. It’s not as if I’ll be able to use the money up easily.
I do see Emmy too from time to time. He knows he can find me at the sports centre, and he can always check if I or Seth booked the private gym if he drops by. It’s only the ultimate VIPs who can use it. Seth isn’t that, he just uses my name. My brother looks the other way about that.
He’s a good brother.
But he has never once been to my place, and I don’t go to his. Sometimes it feels like when we talk we’re more business partners than brothers.
I guess we never really were close in the first place. Even putting aside that I’m alpha, I was treated differently; I wasn’t expected to take over the business unless I really wanted to. My brothers had no choice. My sister was lucky to find her alpha early. Dad couldn’t reject them when they had already bonded as strongly as they had while in school. Sure, they could break it, but the separation would be painful for both parties. My sister is the only omega of my generation in the main lineage. She’s a precious resource, and her alpha’s not the worse possible option. Not ideal for business, but Dad rolled with it. He wasn’t going to force me to become the CEO of the company when he already had groomed Francis for the role, and he couldn’t force sis to another alpha. He just blamed himself for putting her in a co-ed school.
He may have sued the school too, for false advertisement. They had marketed themselves as making sure omegas wouldn’t have relationships with anyone prior to graduation, but, clearly, sis had found a way, anyway. She’s very smart. Her alpha seems good. I’m proud of her for taking the path she wanted.
“Leo, what are you thinking about? You’re so quiet.”
“Family sucks, doesn’t it?”
Dex is lowering a pitcher of water toward the coffee table, and pauses mid-motion. He looks up, then places the pitcher on the tabletop.
“Is this about the toy?”
I had forgotten about that. Temporarily, that is. Once my mind wasn’t full of Dex, I would remember it.
I feel the stab in my heart. I don’t really know how to talk about it. It’s so stupid.
“Not really, but also maybe a little bit?” I reply.
“So what sucks with families?”
“The distance. The responsibilities. The expectations…”
“I’m pretty close to my family. Sure, I had responsibilities too, but it was, like, washing dishes or cleaning my room. And I was expected to do my homework, be with friends, and come home before the curfew. Yours probably looked different.”
“It did. My family is all expectations related to money and etiquette.”
“And how does it relate to your plush toy?”
Gods, how should I know? I’m a nurse, not a psychologist!
“All right,” Dex says after a while of awkward silence.
I’m not sure what expression I was making, but he comes up to me to rub my arm.
“Whatever’s going on in your mind, it’s okay. It’s fine to be upset. What was it you said? She shouldn’t have taken something of yours for nesting? Yeah?”
“It’s stupid.”
Before I know it, I wrap my arms around him and press my nose against his neck.
Fuck it, I’m intoxicated and I’m sad for reasons I don’t even understand. I’m gonna at least get to hug my mate!
Even if he doesn’t know that he’s my mate yet.
“Leo, it’s not ‘stupid’, okay? People have feelings. Feelings mean there will be attachments. Sometimes we don’t know why we’re attached to something or someone. Sometimes we just don’t know we’re attached at all.”
Sometimes we’re so attached we feel like every cell is torn asunder.
God, I can’t say that.
His scent fills my nose and my lungs as I take a deep breath. I rather think about him and how I can’t have this beta.
“She could have taken one of my old shirts. They’re still in the wardrobe. They’re less dusty than that old thing. It doesn’t matter if she takes things from my old room. I don’t care about the stuff there,” I say.
And I know it’s true. None of it matters to me. I took everything that had any value to me when I left.
“But the bunny rabbit was important and you’re upset she’s using it as nesting material,” Dex says. “When did you stop playing with it? Or chew it. Whatever you used it for.”
“Maybe around age ten.”
“And you got it when? By whom?”
“I have no idea. But I had it in preschool. Probably from I was three, who knows?”
“Mm,” he noises thoughtfully. “And you had just tossed it wherever later?”
“Yeah. It was in a corner, literally. I have a corner shelving unit with stuff like games, books, and whatever. Just stuff that accumulated over time. It was tossed onto the bottom shelf in the corner. I didn’t even usually see it.”
I feel Dex hum contemplatively again. It’s a pleasant vibration. My dumb arse rumbles back at the hum.
“And you had other old toys, too?”
I draw my brows together. I didn’t like where this was going. “Yeah. Just general stuff that accumulated and no one bothered to get rid of.”
A beat.
I straighten up. I’m being a whiny little bitch, just Geoffrey. I got to man up.
“Listen. I know it’s stupid, okay? I shouldn’t be upset about it. It’s an honour to have a scent that calms an omega and that’s wanted for their nest. I know that. I’m just whining. Just being upset she took it at all. She had every right to. I gave up all the stuff left in that room when I moved out. I have no right to feel like this. It’s dumb. I’m just being a dumbass, okay? It’s my duty to ensure she feels safe. She goes into that room every now and then. I can tell from the dust.”
“I told you before, your mum is not your responsibility. She is your dad’s responsibility. She is his omega, not yours.”
“She is my mum.”
“Yeah, exactly. That’s the thing, Leo. She is your mum. She’s not in your pack, she’s not your mate. She’s just your mum. You said it yourself — she should have asked.”
I guess I did say that. But it’s just a stupid justification to be upset. It’s not even really my room. They just left it the same for years. Same old books, same old toys, same shirts in the wardrobe. Even my school uniforms are still in there, neatly pressed and in plastic to protect them from decay.
Last time I went over there, Mum told me to just clean up the room — it was a mess. I had planned on leaving immediately. I just dropped by after work to extend my older brother some congratulations before I went on with the plans for the day. I know he’d go back there to celebrate his birthday after all.
I’m the only one who doesn’t return.
Because I don’t belong there.
I don’t have the space there.
But something made me stalk over to my room and pull the door open. I’m a bit taller now than I was when I left at eighteen. I saw the empty space immediately. Not even the shelf, just a sort of emptiness on the upper corner of the compartment that was viscerally wrong.
“What the—? Where did it go?”
I stepped inside, looking around. At first, I wasn’t sure what exactly I was looking for. I didn’t really remember what was there. It wasn’t important.
I told myself it wasn’t important. I asked myself, “Why am I looking for it?”
I stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind me, the room in worse condition than before.
“Where’s that thing?” I asked. “That, that… thing.“
Mum looked at me. “What thing? There are lots of things in there. Do you need one of the maids to help you?”
“No! The thing. In the shelf. It’s… it’s… something. Shit, I forgot what it is. It’s… I don’t even know. In the shelf. The corner unit? Second to bottom shelf? Where is t?”
“I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. Should I ask for one of the maids to help you?”
I waved her away and went to look for anything else. I grabbed the first member of the service I saw. “How long have you worked here? Before I moved? No? Sorry to disturb you.” It took a while before I figure it out.
It was a plush toy. Pretty worn out. It hadn’t been there in a minute. I hadn’t either, obviously. The staff just said they assumed I or Dad had requested it removed from the room.
I could smell the doubt, the careful word choices.
But it was enough to jog my memory.
I had also seen signs of nesting in Mum’, behaviours. A doctor might not notice that right away. They work less directly with patients. But I had seen many patients at the A&E try to nest. I would recognise the symptoms from a mile away.
I found Mum looking like calm herself with a cup of tea before her.
“Did you nest with it? The rabbit I had when I was a pup.”
“What does it matter if I nest with it?”
Yeah, what would it matter?
“It doesn’t. I just need to know.”
“I am at that age…”
I hushed her down. “You don’t have to explain. I understand. I work in medicine. I understand the hormonal imbalances and struggles very well. But tell me,” I lowered my voice, hardened it, demanded an answer, “Did you use it to nest?”
“You have already decided that’s the case, Leopold, so what does it matter what I say? Do you and those you spend time with ever consider how omegas feel? Do you treat others this way too?”
A yes. That shift in her scent was a yes. She took it. Not even guilt. Just upset that I seemed to blame her. Seemed to think I was looking down on her for being an omega just because I’m an alpha.
I wasn’t trying to.
I just had one reasonable question. At least I thought it reasonable.
There was also the slight fear induced by the command. I could tell even if she kept her voice steady. Most wouldn’t have picked it up. She used to be so strong, and would never have bent for me even if I howl at her like a wolf.
She was so small now.
I exhaled. Softening my voice, to not overwhelm her so much, I told her, “All right. Then I know. If you’re up for it later, just have the junk removed. Any functional toys would probably be appreciated at the hospital.”
I was quiet for a beat.
“I’m leaving. I have an appointment with some friends.”
She should have asked.
I told the guys that. I don’t believe it now, and I didn’t before. She didn’t need to.
I know it’s a good thing to have a safe scent.
Although… my scent would have changed between I was a pup and now.
The puppy scents of alphas tend to be more significantly different from omegas and betas. Omegas do change considerably as well, but it’s not so drastically.
So the safe one was the child, not myself.
Of course, she doesn’t like alphas scents other than Dad’s.
That’s normal.
But it still hurts to think about that who she found safe was the pup who lashed out at anyone who looked at him wrong. If not with violence, then with, “My Dad will——!”
I was such a spoiled brat.
Mum didn’t need to ask. It wasn’t really mine anymore. It was fine. Of course, she wouldn’t have wanted my clothes and I understand that.
“Please, do understand her,” I can already hear Dad’s voice in my ears.
I do. I really do. I understand everything, from her feelings of fatigue, or her mind being foggy, or that she forgets things. I know the biology of it. I’ve seen it in many others before her.
I get it.
She’s scared.
She has all the right to be. She’s going through a big change.
So I can’t be angry. I can’t be sad about it. If she needs that scent, I should let her have it. It’s none of my fucking business.
It’s not my pack.
Not anymore.
I’m too big for it. I take up too much space. I outgrew my old life. I’m too dumb for med school, I work as a nurse and my (unrequited) mate is a beta.
I’m a disappointment, but at least I’m only a disappointment to my own pack now.
And I don’t want one. I’ll never have one.
I hear Dex sigh. “If you don’t want to talk about it, let’s not talk about it now. Do you like comedies? Action? Romance? Fan—”
“Romcom.”
“You don’t need to consider my likes, Leo. We can have something more action-filled, you know? Maybe something with sports?”
“Romcom,” I reiterate. “I’m in a weird headspace, remember? Let’s watch something light.”
Dex gives me an odd look, but says, “Okay then.”
I let him choose service and which film. “Allowed” him to, as any lesser alphas would phrase it. I don’t decide for Dex. I will never decide for him. Together with him, or take a step back and not be a jerk.
I place my arm around his shoulders when we sit down and pull him closer. I nuzzle into his hair.
I can perform being a good friend. I can perform to be whatever’s he wants me to be.
But that’s all it will ever be.
A performance.
What happened during the film? No idea.
By the end of it, I don’t actually know how it started. I lost the plot after about five minutes. I got distracted.
I don’t think he noticed, but he had a few scent spikes during the film. Not anything too noticeable. Just very noticeable to me.
I ignore the first one. Scents aren’t completely stable even if someone is in a stable mood.
The second one, I was a little intrigued.
By the fourth time, I lowered my head to sniff him to see if I was missing some emotional cue.
But there was nothing specific. A mixture of happiness, excitement, nerves, a hint of arousal — I did not notice that, no, thank you — and other kinds of feelings, but nothing seemed like a primary emotion.
So by the end of the film? I remember the lead was a beta. I remember thinking that Dex is better-looking.
That’s it.
“How did you like it?” I ask.
“It was okay.”
“So not that great?”
“No, not really.”
I chuckle and nuzzle him fondly. “You chose it.”
“Did you like it?”
“I’m the too drunk to remember the plot,” I say with a laugh.
“Are you feeling a bit better?”
“For now.”
“For now is still good. Let’s get you to bed. I promised to bring in your laundry too, so I’ll do that before sleeping.”
Absolutely not!
I won’t allow it.
“I’m bringing in the laundry,” I say and stand up.
“No, you’re not. You can’t even get your keys without fumbling,” Dex told me.
“It’s dark outside. What if some creep comes up? What if there a wild animal that mauls you?”
“Are there that many around here?” he asks, expression telling.
I live in a great area. Very safe in every aspect.
“I don’t know, but I’m not taking chances. I forbid you from bringing the laundry in.”
Dex just stands up and walks toward the front door. “You can always keep watch by the door if you’re that worried.”
I think about it. I suppose I can accept the compromise.
My steps are longer than his, so I’m behind him before he reaches the door. I open it for him. I lean against the doorframe as my eyes are glued on the shorter man.
I watch as he lifts his arms. He takes down each piece of clothing in earnestness. It’s difficult not to get embarrassed by the sincerity. I want to do unspeakable things to him just to embarrass him back.
I’m horrible.
I’m the biggest bad wolf here.
It’s like having a hellhound guard against rats.
But at least the rats out there won’t touch my mate. I would never let them get away with it. He’s belongs to me alone.
Mine.
I shake my head. I need to dislodge the thoughts before I act upon them.
While I’ve been going down into dark thoughts, Dex has finished taking down the laundry. Moonlight filters through the branches of the pine standing in my front yard.
I determine in that moment that he’s the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I am sober enough to stop myself from trying to pick him up to carry to the nearest bedroom.
I really am a horny drunk around this beta.
Anything trigger sexual fantasies or urges to mate with him, it seems.
I take the laundry to keep myself busy. “No more being out in the dark,” I say sternly.
Dex chuckles. “Yes, alpha.”
I growl. Hearing that is dangerous to my restraint, feeding into the intoxicated fantasies I’m starting to have. I feel the words go straight to my knot.
He gives me a sly look.
Oh. This little vixen. I will one day have him beneath me, pleading desperately for mercy. Then he’ll learn not to provoke an alpha like that. Especially not one from outside the pack.
I nearly growl a second time.
The couch is also an option for mating.
I catch myself, and clear my throat.
“I have extra hygiene products,” I say. “They’re in the bathroom upstairs in the box in the top drawer to the left. Go brush your teeth. Alpha’s orders. I’ll lend you something to sleep in. Do you prefer just bottoms, just tops, or full body?”
Dex smiles. “Anything goes.”
That would include nude. Don’t sleep completely naked in my guest bedroom. I will absolutely lose it.
I decide he absolutely has to be as modest as possible.
I go with the laundry upstairs and drop the pile of it on a chair in the master bedroom. My housekeeper will deal with it. She always does. Meanwhile, Dex stays downstairs to put away the dirty dishes. It gives me enough time to change into pajama bottoms in a soft, thin linen fabric. I run hot at night. I barely can stand long-legged cotton bottoms in the middle of winter, so I find myself wearing silk and linen a lot.
But for Dex I grab cotton set that will be a bit large on him, but I can’t exactly claim I keep clothes in sizes too small for me to wear.
I go with it to the guestroom and place it on the bed. As I step out of said room, I nearly walk straight into Dex, who just came back up. I feel a puff of air against my bare chest.
I grab his jaw and make him took at me. My voice is a barely held back growl. “Don’t provoke me. You promised not to let me do anything. I can’t make fully rational decisions, Dexter. Be a good boy now and don’t make any noise or mischief.”
Dex’s face flushes. “Sorry,” he whispers. “But I didn’t do anything just now.”
I blow a puff of air against his ear. “Then be careful with your actions otherwise too,” I murmur. “Or you will truly regret it when I sober up. Alpha will not hold back.”
I can’t help but nip at his reddening ear. I growl lowly, “This alpha’s displeasure won’t be pretty. I’ve had enough and my restraint is already fraying.”
Dex turns a shade redder. “I shouldn’t have pushed boundaries when you explicitly asked me not to let you make any decisions you make while drunk. I’m sorry.”
“Good boy,” I croon and move to place a kiss on top of his head. “Settle for this for now, won’t you? And lock the door.”
Dex nods his head, and I let go of him. I step aside so he can enter the guestroom and then I return to my own bedroom down the corridor.
I close the door.
Now I’ve really done it.
I’ve threatened my mate.
I don’t know how much he wants. I don’t know if he’s just trying things out with an alpha as a beta, or if he just wants to do it once.
I lean my back against the door. The heavy wood feels chilly against the scorching heat of my skin. An exhale escapes me as I run my fingers through my hair.
I will absolutely need an icy shower before I try to sleep. My knot and the most primal part of my brain are definitely being far too enthusiastic at the moment.